Those who truly believe that life has no meaning without a computer game to occupy their every waking moment can become chemically dependent on Peggle, the gaming equivalent of being hooked on sherbet: you’d dearly love to try that proper gear you paid good money for (Half Life 2: Episode Two in this analogy), but can’t get past the sweet, sweet allure of the cheap and easy stuff.

Despite the wide availability of this gaming crack, one game that’s stood the test of time is the excellent Pinball Dreams for the Amiga. Now well over a decade old, I still find myself going back to it on a regular basis with the help of emulation via WinUAE.

The really odd thing: I’m still terrible at it. While I’m sure there are people in existence who’ve managed to master it, I’m not one of them. But still, it’s a game that’s done so well – providing the player with just the right balance between whacking a ball around quasi-randomly and giving you real, rewarding targets to aim for – that it’s difficult not to return to its pixellated beauty.

Seriously, it’s beautiful. Observe.

So, it was with some trepidation that I approached the demo of Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness, the most unwieldy title I’ve seen since The Bill: Frontline: Shockwave spunked itself onto my TV a couple of weeks ago. While this isn’t a pure point-and-click adventure – what is nowadays? – its origins in comic-strip land and the involvement of the great Ronzo himself were enough to spark my interest.

The demo kicks off with a stylish intro cutscene, introducing you to the cartoonily-noirish New Arcadia, replete with lashings of rain and ominous forks of lightning. The intro sequence is great, hanging together really nicely – there’s certainly no need to make the standard nice-try allowances so far.

Sadly, once you get into the actual game, things begin to unravel a little. The transition from animated 2D comic panels to a fully rendered 3D world is more jarring than I’d have hoped, with the walk cycle of your character looking particularly sub-par. Considering it’s the one animation you see constantly while playing a game, it’s always disheartening to see it look so unconvincing. It’s a classic mistake made by those low-budget adventures I’ve been whining about.

But hey, once you get used to seeing a walk cycle, you forget about it, right? You’re far more likely to care about the gameplay itself. One of the first things to happen is a turn-based battle in an RPG stylee. It’s not so bad; quite enjoyable in fact. Unfortunately, once you take a few paces down the street, it happens again. Then you pick up an extra team member for your ‘party’. And it happens again. And then you pick up Gabe and Tycho in a sequence where, disappointingly, the dialogue somehow fails to capture the essence of Penny Arcade. And have another turn-based fight. And, finally, another one – all against basically the same baddies.

And then you’ve finished the demo.

I’m not the best person to judge, because I loath turn-based Japanese RPGs with all my soul, but what are these battles for other than to waste your time? Perhaps with a bit of banter between your new chums Gabe and Tycho, they would have been a welcome opportunity to indulge in some Penny Arcade style laughs before cracking on with the game proper. As it was, the battles seemed to serve one purpose only: to prevent you from completing the demo in three minutes flat.

I suppose the big question is, will I bother spending the $20 required to unlock the full game? The grudging answer is, yes, I will – the quality of the cutscenes and the pedigree of its writers is enough to make it worth the gamble – but judging by my demo experience, the game is dangerously close to being loaded with tedious battles to the exclusion of the writing and the dialogue which people will be expecting. I hope I’m wrong – and no doubt I’ll report back from beyond the precipice.

Al Emmo and the Lost Dutchman’s Mine is an adventure game released in 2006 by teeny-tiny developer Himalaya Studios, also responsible for those Kings Quest remakes people loved.

As ever, the rules of the half-OOUR review are simple: a game has half a f***ing HOUR to make an impression upon me, and the time it takes to install doesn’t count.

Prologue

The case of Al Emmo is complicated by two small matters, however. One is that I read a fair amount of commentary about the game when it was first released, which is more than can be said for other Half-OOUR Review candidates – they’re lucky if I’ve even heard of them. This gave me an insight into some of the game’s design decisions which, otherwise, would be frankly incomprehensible.

The second and more significant complication is that I had already had a session on the Al Emmo demo, a few days after I originally promised a review. The truth is, back then, I decided that nothing was worth suffering Al Emmo’s voice acting, particularly not a two-bit excuse for a web site like this one, and quit the game a few minutes in. Looking back, I think I was literally screaming, but sometimes the memory plays tricks.

Still, let bygones be bygones and all that, eh? One of the things I learnt by reading about Al Emmo was that the protagonist’s voice is supposed to make you want to punch your speakers in, and that it becomes less grating as the game progresses as part of his character development. The decision to imbue any main character, let alone the lead, with a voice so awful you never want to hear it again is questionable, but there you go: it’s deliberate.

The Beginning

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. How does the actual game play? I began my oddysey at 1:15am.

I think it’s best not to mention the opening cutscene. The music was pleasant and the direction passable, but beyond that, we’ll just pretend I never saw it, or that it never even existed. Sssh. Straight on to Part One.

The game proper begins with the protagonist, the eponymous Al Emmo (ho ho), stranded in some Godforsaken hellhole in the Wild West. Even to leave the first screen, you have to solve a puzzle. For someone used to the non-linear joys of the classic LucasArts adventures, this is enough to drive you potty in itself, even without the triumvirate of evil conspiring to get there first: rubbish graphics, annoying voices, and horrible dialogue.

To criticise the graphics of Al Emmo seems a little iffy, as its modus operandi – as I discovered by reading up on it – is to ape the style of the classic Sierra adventures. Therefore, it’s no surprise that it looks dated. Unfortunately, it also looks out-and-out rubbish, which is a criticism it’s impossible to level at even 15-year-old adventure games like Monkey Island.

I’ve already mentioned that Al has an annoying voice, but I think it’s important to pinpoint exactly how annoying. To say it’s high-pitched and whiny would be an understatement. It sounds more like Al has got his testicles caught in a threshing machine, then been force-fed helium until his vocal chords became permanently deformed, and finally had his nostrils surgically pinched together to elicit the sort of nasal whine usually heard only from French schoolchildren. It’s a struggle not to quit the game the first time you hear him speak, let me tell you.

Then there’s the narrator, his purpose in the game being to provide “classy and classic commentary” and elevate the game to “the epitome of unparalled adventure”. I quite liked this touch, in a very over-the-top Murray-from-Monkey-Island kind of way – for about five minutes. After that, his overblown wisecracks, many of which aren’t actually funny and definitely a world away from “classy”, are just grating. And then there’s the dialogue itself.

It’s stilted, delivered by uninteresting characters, and there are no dialogue trees in sight. There’s little more annoying in adventure game than having to sit through a conversation about whatever your protagonist feels like, despite the fact you’re supposed to be controlling them.

Brave New World

There are plenty of other flaws I could mention. You spend a lot of time looking at the hourglass cursor. There are lots of characters around, but you can’t actually speak to many of them (at least, not in the demo). And did I mention Al has an annoying voice?

But really, it’s not all bad. There is lots of interaction available with the game, with many on-screen objects having not only descriptions, but “amusing” responses when you try to use them, or speak to them, or pick them up. There are jokes aplenty, even if most of them are duds. But I think Al Emmo has one positive trait that’s missing from the vast majority of games released nowadays, and is certainly missing from modern adventure games: it’s brave.

Allow me to illustrate. Early on in the game is a cutscene in which the supposedly beautiful Rita Peralto – who appears to sport a lazy eye in her cutscenes – gets up to sing in the bar. Al stands up to serenade her, in painful, achingly whiny falsetto.

Such a scene should make me cringe. It should make me want to smash my computer. The first time I fired up the Al Emmo demo over a year ago, it did and I quit, vowing never to return; but this time, I saw it as the game’s willingness to take risks shining through. Yes, making the lead character annoying to be around is a strange move, and so is getting him involved in one of the most physically painful cutscenes I’ve ever sat through, but both of these decisions reflect the game’s bravery. Apeing the classic Sierra style, which many people thought sucked even at the time, is another audacious move, and for that I think Al Emmo is worth a look.

Don’t think I’ve gone mental – I certainly won’t be playing through it, though I admit I did overrun my half-OOUR slot and go back for a second look of my own volition – but amongst the dross of modern adventure games, Al Emmo stands out as being… well, different. Different good, or different bad? That’s in the eye of the beholder, but I certainly don’t hold Al Emmo in the same contempt as the subject of my previous Half-OOUR Review, Journey to the Centre of the Earth - poorly-executed cookie-cutter nonsense that it was.

The fact that Al Emmo exists as a commercial release at all, and is arguably more worthwhile than some of the rubbish churned out by big game publishers, says a lot about the tenacity and talent of Himalaya Studios.

Al Emmo? Er… Al-back-from-the-BigWhoop more like.

With some other nonsense falling by the wayside at #2. I honestly can’t remember what it was now.

Wait, got it: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. Why not Ocarina of Time, you say? Well, it was a close one – almost too close to call – but Wind Waker is simply a more polished product. The music is incredible, the world alive and full of side-quests, and the cel-shading – naysayers be damned – works wonders on the graphical side. Never has a fantasy world been more appropriately portrayed in gaming.

Because, saps who complain that Wind Waker looks like a cartoon for children and babies and that Ocarina of Time was so much more adult and mature: you’re playing a game about an elf child fighting cutesy enemies with magic. Have you noticed?

Roll on Twilight Princess, I say, set as it is to be thrust into my waiting hands by the end of the week. For the Gamecube. Yes, I am a dismal failure.

Because I’d hilariously skipped playing some of the better console games, the Wing Commander series was as close as I’d got to an immersive, cinematic gaming experience. I’d played adventure games before, but they were mostly all about click here, talk to this guy, run over there. They had story, they had a setting, but not enough character. Then Grim Fandango came along and showed us how it was done. The game effortlessly captures the film noir atmosphere it’s aiming for, oozing it out of its every pore – from the music, to the characters, to the cutscenes.

In a way, it’s a shame Grim Fandango was such a pioneer. Restricted by the technology of the time, the game is in a style that’s come to be known as “2.5D” – 3D graphics overlaid on pre-generated 2D backdrops. While the end result is still rather nice, and simply lovely in places – see anywhere with a sea view in Rubacava – you can’t help but feel that a true 3D environment would have boosted its cinematic qualities still further.

I completed Grim Fandango in a week. What a pain in the arse. That’s the curse of the great adventure game: before you know it, it’s over, and there’s no way to forget the game so you can play it afresh. Bah.

I’ve spoken about Frontier, the sequel to the seminal 80s classic Elite, here before. It’s the game solely responsible for my continued pursuit of space trade-’em-ups, a genre which, on paper, sounds like the most boring in history. Fortunately, there are odd exceptions where it all works in practice, and Frontier was my First Encounter. Frontier joke for you there.

Although the initial draw of Frontier is obvious enough – it was one of the earliest ‘open-ended’ games, giving you an entire populated universe to pootle around in – I suppose it’s hard to explain why the game is so far up the list. I admit that Hardwar was a better-formed game in a similar vein; Frontier has no plot to speak of; and, having revisited Frontier repeatedly over the years, its flaws and numerous bugs become more and more glaringly obvious as the years go by.

But that’s just it: the fact I have revisited the game at all. It holds a special place in my heart as a game I poured days of effort into, and although I’d be lying if I said it never got old – the inevitable space battles Frontier throws at you if you venture into unfriendly space are boring and repetitive, especially when you’re stuck in a seemingly unending series of them – I kept coming back. There was something indefinable about the game. It’s hard to explain.

While my recent experience with EVE Online was disappointing, I’ll tell you why. It was because I had loved Frontier, and fantasised about an online version where the other ships plying the space lanes were piloted by real people. Well, here was EVE, and it was a reality. It was boring. Was I disappointed? You bet I was.

So then, Frontier. I can only come up with lame arguments for why, but man, it deserves its place here. And check it out: it’s survived the test of time. Perhaps reason enough in itself.

Alas, although BG&E received critical acclaim (from real people, not just us Internet hoodlums), it escaped the great idiot public’s attention. People ignored the game in their droves, opting instead for FIFA 2004 or some shit, while BG&E languished unloved in bargain bins. A tragedy.

Like Hardwar (and Psychonauts and Grim Fandango), BG&E suffered from the marketeers’ inability to encapsulate its nuanced brilliance in a single pithy sentence, and indeed the impossibility of doing so. “Photojournalism simulator where your uncle is a pig” just doesn’t quite cut it, nor does “superlative adventure game featuring a young heroine who must uncover an intergalactic conspiracy”. “Wonderful all-round gaming experience featuring a series of enjoyable mini-games and great music” falls similarly flat, while the lure of a well-realised alien world replete with half-human, half-animal denizens and beautiful scenery just can’t compete with the wonder of the 50,000 polygons used to model Wayne Rooney’s face.

I sound bitter, you say? That’s right, I’m bitter. Beyond Good and Evil is a criminally overlooked game, a game which should have been recognised as part of the missing link between old-school adventure games and the modern world. As it stands, the game has taken its place in gaming history alongside similarly tragic cases of mistaken identity – mistaken identity on the part of gamers everywhere, who thought it unworthy of their attention. Man, they were wrong.

The game pitches you as an intrepid pilot struggling to eke a living on the inhospitable moon of Titan, having been abandoned (along with the rest of the population) by the merciless mining corporations a hundred years ago. So far, so Elite meets Total Recall.

However, what sets Hardwar apart from its generic space-trading brethren is the execution. The game world, in contrast to the vast algorithm-generated voids of Elite or the X trilogy, is compact, hand-crafted, and – most importantly – teeming with life. Where other trading games revolve around markets and numbers, being essentially glorified stock-market simulators, Hardwar throws you into a living, breathing world. Not an in-game day goes by without you being targeted by pirates, swooping in to plunder the spoils of someone else’s space battle, or spotting a hapless trader carrying goods that just demand special attention.

Hardwar’s optional storyline is the icing on the cake. Those who decide to take a break from hardcore trading to respond to the cryptic in-game emails stumble upon that staple of video-game plot devices, the global conspiracy. The true nature of the grimy, corrupt custodians of Titan is gradually revealed to the player through a combination of in-game missions and delightfully offbeat FMV sequences. The live action footage is undeniably made on a shoestring, but man, it’s great.

Hardwar may hold the dubious honour of being by far the most obscure game on my list, but I’d like to think that poor sales were no reflection on its quality. It was simply released at the wrong time, and – like games from Psychonauts to Grim Fandango which shared its fate – was impossible to market in a single sentence.

The answer, for me, is uncomplicated fun. Since the halcyon days of Quake, when even being able to jump in a first-person shooter was a novel innovation, developers have sought to evolve the genre through the addition of what I can only term ’stuff’. Stuff like recoil on your gun, the need to stop firing and reload, missions and objectives, squad-based wrangling and, worst of all, the concept of stamina. While these features combine to give the player a more complete gaming experience, they’re not what I would call fun.

And fun is what Quake provides, in pure unadulterated form. Not for id Software the trappings of plot and storyline; no, Quake’s single-player mode threw you into a quasi-medieval, semi-futuristic landscape of zombies, ogres, gargantuan alien creatures and knights, all fiendish in their own way and none of them fitting any kind of theme, beyond “these guys are trying to kill you, kill them first”. Similarly, the deathmatch mode has no storm-the-base, free-the-hostages mission nonsense – just frag everyone in sight before they blow your face off.

Quake’s enduring appeal is part of what keeps it in the top ten, from its active open-source community who are still beavering away on the engine – with impressive results – to the numerous developers who have paid homage, such as Valve with their Deathmatch Classic mod for Half-Life. If you haven’t had much fun in a shooter for a while, give Quake another chance. You’ll be laughing as you rip some sap a new one with your quad rocket within minutes.

I love the idea of free-roaming in computer games. It’s always seemed to be what games are intended for, to give you the ability to do whatever the hell you want, without repercussions. The original GTA started the ball rolling, and titles like Carmageddon with their open-ended 3D environments and loose criteria for success evolved the idea. But the eventual 3D incarnation of the GTA series, GTA III, combined these elements so skilfully that it took everyone by surprise, and they’ve been copying it ever since.

Sure, it doesn’t have as many bells and whistles as its successors in the series. There’s no tyre-popping or motorcycle-riding, there are no big-name voice actors, and it lacks the tedious roleplaying aspects of San Andreas. But for me, GTA III was a revelation, and I spent more time playing it than any other game in recent history. The go-anywhere, do-anything ethos is so compelling that the missions sometimes seem an unwelcome and primitive distraction, but the gems amongst ‘em – and the variety of inventive strategies you can employ to beat them – keep you coming back.

Developers may have been brutally ripping it off ever since, but for me, nobody has managed to beat Rockstar North at their own game.